Do manners still matter? Very definitely – yes. In fact, crazy as our world has become, good manners are more important than ever.
“Manners maketh man” means that a person’s character, worth, and humanity are defined by their behaviour, politeness, and respect towards others, rather than their wealth, status, or appearance. This revolutionary concept was apparently first articulated by the Bishop of Winchester and Chancellor of England, William Wykeham, who lived from 1324 to 1404. He used “Manners Maketh Man” as his motto for New College, Oxford and Winchester College. So, the concept has been around a long time. Are we now witnessing a decline in this belief? Maybe.
Many point to an increasing level of selfishness, particularly in the younger generation, being responsible for the decline in manners. Social media particularly seems to encourage attention-seeking behaviour. But does this mean that people across the board have become more selfish?
What is undeniable is the close link between manners/etiquette and trust. People are much less likely to trust someone who had bad manners and poor etiquette. If we are witnessing a decline in manners, does that also mean we are experiencing a decline in trust?
Most major news outlets and academic studies conclude that manners/etiquette are on the decline, particularly among members of Gen Z (born between 1997 and 2012). What does this mean?
But first, let’s define the difference between two related terms which we often seem to use interchangeably – manners and etiquette:
- Etiquette consists of specific, often written, rules governing social or professional behaviour.
- Manners are the unwritten, generalised habits of kindness, respect, and consideration used in daily interactions.
Another way of saying this is that etiquette is the formal “rule book” of conduct while manners represent the heartfelt application of those rules.
Perhaps importantly, for this discussion at least, is that etiquette can change over time and depend on cultural or social context, while good manners are largely universal and timeless. Some examples of each:
Etiquette can be using the correct fork at formal dinners, adhering to a dress code or honouring commitments and being accountable.
Good manners are things like saying “please” and “thank you” to show appreciation, using polite greetings, not interrupting others and respecting personal space. These things are timeless.
If we wish to maintain a civil society, build trust, support relationships, and build healthy communities, we need both of these behaviours.
But getting back to the question posed at the beginning of this article – are we witnessing a decline in the importance of manners/etiquette?
Quite a few years ago Fred Astaire said: “The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any”. A bit harsh? It certainly shows that these concerns are not new.
Looking at etiquette, there is no doubt the “rules” are changing, but is that because we want to change them, or have we just become lazy (or, worse still, indifferent)? Many points of etiquette the Boomer generation saw as appropriate have been either discarded or changed. A simple example – Boomers considered holding a door for a woman as most appropriate, but the current generations do not simply see it as not appropriate, they actually see it as positively inappropriate. So do we now hold the door for everyone (not just women), or do we let everyone manage that themselves? Similarly, does the move away from a relatively formal dress code to a much more relaxed code represent a change of etiquette or does it reflect general laziness/indifference? As noted above, etiquette has always changed over time – are the changes we are seeing simply a continuation of this process?
What about manners – saying “please”, “thank you”, “excuse me” etc? There is probably a case to made here – way too many younger people simply do not use them. Is this because they are selfish and fail to “acknowledge” others? Possibly.
But what is undeniable is the general decline in trust across the board – we no longer trust our politicians, most businesses, even our neighbours. When the general populus distrusts its businesses and politicians, we are in trouble. Improving how we present ourselves to and treat others will help rectify this.
In summary, treat everyone with politeness and kindness, not because they are nice, but because you are.